3.11.2024

i'm doing the sketches for page 14 of my comic right now. i'm also working on a standalone manga-cover-chapter sort of drawing of Cecil and Gale, and i *should* be working more on my bg illustrations for a fangame i'm helping with...i can never just work on one thing at a time!! but i think it helps my process. if i hit a roadblock with one thing, i just switch to the one of the others i have waiting on the backburner.

i'm thinking about switching to a black and white style after this chapter is complete, just so i can get pages out quicker...this is partially because, tho i'm proud of my work, i do worry that i won't get very far with the comic at this rate!!

5.28.24

its been a long time since i updated this…!! my day job gives me more free time in the summer months, so there will be plenty more opportunities to keep chugging along on my passion projects soon-—the promise of those days on the horizon is getting me through a busy time! that, and my spouse who i love and adore so very much. he told me the other day he almost got a cameo from nana visitor for me as encouragement! ;w;)

i think i can already see my drawing style shift a bit as i continue drawing this comic; that being said, i've joked before that i don’t have an art style and still feel that is somewhat true. i no longer try to keep my art “style” consistent from piece to piece. its much more fun that way, and it gives you room to explore and to grow. that being said, i’m sure there is an underlying style to it all thats easier for others to detect. when i was in art school my friends and peers told me i had a soft and dreamy style to my work. i’m not sure if this still holds true, but its not something i like to overthink nowadays.

since i last wrote, i have finished persona 3 portable and started persona 4 golden. i engaged with these works when i was around cecil and gale’s age (and probably around the same time i created those ocs in the first place), so its very interesting to finally play them now (instead of just watching social links on youtube and the anime adaptations XD) but its especially interesting because of where i am in my life. i do feel like they are wonderful time capsules for the early 2000s, especially from a nerdy (otaku/weeb) angle.

and i already knew that i would have tonal whiplash going from the persona 3 story to persona 4, but boy is it pronounced! but just as pronounced is persona 4’s twin peaks-y influence, which was a piece of media i did not engage with until late into my teens (far after my initial persona craze). now that i AM familiar with twin peaks it seems totally obvious as an inspiration for persona 4.

another piece of media i’ve been engaging with is star trek: deep space nine. i watch it with my spouse, the way we watched star trek: thenext generation together. its a very comforting activity for me! and both of us have been very engaged in deep space nine. i always thought next generation would remain my favorite, but ds9 really gives you a lot to chew on. i love them both so far but for different reasons.

i always saw cecil as being a tv/film nerd, and i really want to incorporate him writing star trek fanfiction and posting it to his livejournal into this comic, LOL. i think, like myself, that cecil probably uses stories and narrative devices to view and make sense of his own life, as well as a blueprint for how ‘normal people act’ (this is part of how i masked as a kid and teen; all my mannerisms and ideas about the ‘real world’ were lifted from tv. lol)

and watching ds9 has also solidified for me that it would be “cecil’s show”, haha! then again, next gen’s idealism might appeal to him. and i could see him writing data x geordi fanfiction XD most of his star trek fic is probably prose, but i could also see him writing whole stories out as ‘episodes’ and doing it in a script format.

i see his grandmother as having been a writer too,! this is inspired by my aunt (the eldest of my dad's older sisters) who wrote and published romance novels that she kept secret from everyone. it occurred to me when i got older that she might have been writing harlequin romance books, which is awesome XD but it also occurred to me that well, i wouldn't want my family to read any of my forays into romance or erotica either. anyway, she stopped writing after her first husband passed away, and now that she herself has passed i fear that any chance of reading her work and knowing it was hers has vanished. but i always felt she was a kindred spirit.

8.28.2024 wednesday

it has Once Again been a long while since i wrote something for this! i can’t believe we’re already nearing the end of summer.

i’ve found a way to make comic pages faster without having to switch to black and white! i’ve just decided to work on smaller pages. out of the 20 pages i have finished for the comic so far, most of them are at or around standard paper size (8 x 11 inches). but the last couple i have made smaller and it has been way easier!!!

i’m glad too, because i didn’t really want to sacrifice using full color. the way my brain operates, a lot of the way i draw and paint is more like sculpting like sculptors work at clay for example trying to reveal the image inside, rather than building it up from scratch? does that make sense? its a little hard to explain. but, its easier for me to block out shapes with color, and that goes a long way for how i do backgrounds.

i don’t do a traditional process of thumbnail, lineart, color and background.. i try to follow that structure loosely, but its more nebulous than that. sometimes after i start putting color down my vision for the background totally changes, or even how the characters are interacting/standing. the act of drawing is sort of me hashing out what i want the final product itself to be, rather than always having a clear image of what i’m going for already crystallized in my mind. i think this is partially because i have to concentrate really hard to visualize things in my head—

i don’t think i have full aphantasia, but if we take the ‘imagine an apple in your head’ exercise into consideration, i have to close my eyes and concentrate to fully picture the apple instead of just the vague idea of one.

my brain is such a strange thing; i’m also pretty sure i have visual snow (which i can describe as like, a veil of static placed over my vision that i’ve had since i was very little. there was never any pure darkness, i’d lie in the dark of my bedroom and see shapes and stars in my ceiling where the dark should have been) turns out i have lotsa floaters and maybe some kind of benign neurological condition (which is probably fine)!

anyway! i’m getting close to wrapping up chapter 1 which is very exciting!! i might do a few ‘extras’ as intermission from chap 1 to chap 2, like, maybe an intro page for the main characters (like in manga) since i didn’t formally introduce any of them at the start.

i’ve still been watching ds9 with my spouse—in fact, we watched an ep last night about Worf and Dax on a mission! Dax almost died O.o) it was the moral quandary of, Worf leaving Dax behind to possibly bleed out and die so he could finish the mission, or screw the mission and save his wife. He ended up saying screw the mission and going back to save her!! I think loyalty to a person is always the most admirable thing, especially loyalty to a person over an institution—in this case Starfleet, or [insert military force here]. i’ve heard vague criticisms here and there online that make it seem like people don’t like the Dax and Worf relationship, but seeing them interact is so delightful. I already really love Dax and how offbeat, confident and whimsical she can be, while also how intense she can be and her interactions with other alien cultures (the Ferengi and especially the Klingons). for once, i have no qualms about what other viewers might see as a ‘forced’ m/f relationship.

since the last time i wrote, i finished persona 4 golden! i have been contemplating going back to play the new game plus with the goal of getting every social link (and MAYBE doing adachi’s route..!!), but i might wait until after i finish persona 5 royal. i think the ending of p4g was very sweet, but i was a little taken aback by the timeskip designs for some of the characters (if you know you know). i want to make my own designs for what i think older versions of the characters would look like, because i do feel that there is a tendency for queercoded (or just counterculture in general) characters in persona games to have a last minute switch and decide to conform to society in the end which feels a little insidious (or at the very least, disingenuous to what they were trying to do with the character’s arc).

i did start persona 5 royal, but only very briefly because unlike p3p and p4g, you can’t use only one hand to play persona 5 :( in fact, you can’t even map the controls to different buttons. so it’s a little harder for me to play…maybe if i use a controller rather than just hold the switch?

the game i’ve been playing more is fields of mistria! its only in early access, but its been very addicting. AND you can play it with just a keyboard, no mouse required, and its very laidback (and cute)!!

i’ve also been back deep into my x-men fixation after watching deadpool 3 (or is it called deadpool and wolverine? i dont know what the official name of that film actually is lol). sometimes all it takes is seeing wolverine and i get pulled back in XDD in fact, my me-time wind-down activity lately has been playing fields of mistria while watching x-men the animated series (from ‘92). it’s a wild time, i’ve been laughing SO HARD XD and i love all the voice actors, particularly logan’s (to no one’s shock). i’ve also been wanting to read some old comic runs, but have started with wolverine and the x-men. it really takes me back..even though sometimes the horrible concoction of my insane brain chemistry + health issues + general material circumstances exhaust me, its nice that i can still get excited over things that delighted me so when i was younger. it makes me feel like my childhood wonder and joy never really left.

1.6.2025 monday

ever since the fall, i feel like i've hit a good stride with my art! i feel like i can really create the things i want to create, in terms of standalone illustrations.

this is especially rewarding for me, because there was a time that i felt i fell behind really far in art because of a repetitive-stress injury. this all happened right at the end of high school--and because it was the end of high school, i.e. final exams time, i couldn't really stop to rest my arm. i think at the time it was some sort of tennis elbow. by the time summer came around, i was pretty shot. this was a hard time for me, the one-year break between high school and college; i didn't get a job until the winter because i was trying to rest my inflamed muscles, but i also couldn't draw, write, play videogames--basically engage in any of my hobbies--for the same reason. i attended physical therapy but it was expensive and my mom sure never let me forget that (our family was never very financially stable). i basically felt useless to my family and boring to my friends. when i did get a job, my mom asked to borrow all the money i made and keep it a secret from my sister and my dad. all in all, it sucked!

things always find a way of working out though--i'm glad i took a year off before going away to college, because i got to attend with my spouse, and we met some really important people in our lives there. But the whole time i was in college, i felt like my art just wasn't coming out right. there was something distorting my ability to understand proportion and stylization. part of this might have been a symptom of my dissociation, which left me in a thick fog until i was finally medicated. but now in many ways i feel that fog, or that block, or whatever was keeping me from achieving what i really wanted to with my art, has been lifted.

something that's really helped me this past year has been the idea that you are only competing with yourself. instead of comparing my work to others, i focus on how i can improve for myself. figure drawings, studies, that kind of thing has all been very fun! taking a sketchbook with me to work so i can practice on my lunch breaks for example, thats been nice.

something i'm wondering about now though is, how can i make my comics look how i want? and how can i streamline the process of making them? i'm very close to finishing 'chapter 1' but have hit a bit of a roadblock on the last few pages, because i know i want to use a different method/style going forward and i am less motivated to finish out the last few pages the old way.

for christmas, my spouse gifted me a year long subscription to marvel unlimited (their digital app for reading comics), so i've been very immersed in that landscape of comics. my favorite so far has been the new Ultimate X-Men, written and illustrated by Peach Momoko. The watercolor style is beautiful and emotionally evocative, and the world seems so small and so real.

who knows, maybe reading all these comics will give me an idea of what i want to do for mine! though ultimately, full color may not be the way for me to go.

my partner and i also finished watching star trek: deep space nine recently! i could never have imagined prior to starting ds9 how profound an impact the show would have on me. i always thought tng would be number one in my heart, in terms of star trek media, but ds9 is really something special. kira nerys, julian bashir, and benjamin sisko are all very near and dear to me now.

the start of the new year made me reflect a little on the passasge of time, and how sickeningly quick it's been moving. i hesitate to make any definitive 'New Year's Resolutions', for fear that i will leave a bunch of projects abandoned once again, or else psyche myself so bad i never start any to begin with. writing, be it fiction or poetry, is an example of something i fear i've left to the wayside in the past couple of years. when i think about the 'wasted time' i could have spent working on my craft, it fills me with dread. but then i remember that none of that time was wasted, not one single second. that is the joy of life.

i always want to improve myself, and my life. but most of all, i want to enjoy it in the present.

1.21.2025 monday

testing testing. is anyone out there?

when i was just out of high school, i remember nights in my bedroom listening to this one song by the Protomen--"breaking out". they were this band who did megaman concept albums, and it was all very silly but very sincere at the same time. i didn't know anything about the members because they were small and played at like, conventions, i just liked to listen to the albums on repeat (one thing about me, i always did enjoy a concept album. a theater kid at heart). so anyway, i'd be lying on the floor and silently screaming along to this song about desperately trying to connect to people outside of your small, busted-in city. about feeling broken but knowing there was some way forward, some place else for you to go.

this doesn't really have to do with my comic, but i suppose it does in some ways. i want to hold on to those feelings i had as a kid, a teen, a young adult; i don't want to forget how helpless or frustrating it was to be young and stuck. it's a big part of the story i'm trying to tell, i think.

part of me is worried about being stuck again, but not just in a small shitty town or with a dysfunctional family--instead, i fear being stuck in hell with a country full of people who wouldn't stick up for me even if they could. afraid of being left in this clown world without any recourse, without any backup plans, just jostled by the waves til i drown.

what i no longer fear is that i'm being overdramatic. this is a scary time.

but we keep going, because we have to.

if the shit hits the fan, i just hope i can help some people who are stuck and reaching out. if i remember how i felt back then-well, i'm sure i can try.