9/2/23

a recently added song: 'home to me' by devil and the deep blue sea

watching: aethel and nyan streams

reading: sellswords book 3 (road of the patriarch)

eating: shredded wheats with freeze dried blueberries :3c

playing: bg3 with my partner

ugh, it's pitiful the hold that music has on me. no, maybe not pitiful; i think its always just a surprise how emotional it makes me.

there is a deep ache that certain songs leave in me. for example, this one modest mouse song, 'the world at large'. it's not like its sorrowful. it just reminds me too much of myself, running from people, situations, things. "i like songs about drifters, books about the same/they both seem to make me feel a little less insane," and, "why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?"

i struggle just as much with living as anyone else does, but i always feel like i have to be the one to get it together. people have said i'm nice, or that i'm kind; what feels like a lifetime ago, someone i thought was my friend said i was 'warm'. a warm person. a caring person. it's such a joke. it feels like the true care i had, the ability for genuine friendship, was snuffed out years ago. i keep people at a comfortable distance. why should i be expected to do anything else?

it's not really doom and gloom. it's just that when i'm left alone with my thoughts, i feel those old aches in me, like a winter morning chilling arthritic joints, making it hard to get out of bed. i keep thinking, when am i gonna be over this? when am i going to move on from all these old friends? even if i don't want to go back, there are times when i think, 'i'll never have another friend who knew me the way you did'. the friend that called me 'warm'--well, they never knew me to begin with. but my old best friend, i still think about her every day. and i can't even find it in me to tell her why i can't be close to her anymore.

the truth of the matter is that we changed--ok, we all change, we're all constantly changing, what's the issue? maybe the problem was already there, and it was just growing up that widened the gap enough to make me see it clearly. we don't have the same state of mind anymore. sometimes, it felt like we weren't even living in the same reality.

but...it doesn't make it hurt less. i think its ok to think back on our friendship fondly and bitterly in equal measure. i can't pretend it never happened--she made me the person i am today.

the song that made me start crying in the shower was "g.i.n.a.s.f.s." by fall out boy. infinity on high is her favorite fob album.

"Things aren't the same anymore

Some nights it gets so bad you almost pick up the phone."